Lessons from This Weekend’s Meltdown

Yesterday, (Sunday) I decided to finally pull the trigger and buy a new bike, but not a bike because due to the TBI I no longer have the balance to be safe enough on just two wheels, so as weird as it might look, I’m getting an adult tricycle because I deserve to be able to have fun and be out in public, even if I am riding a tricycle. Because it was a semi-expensive purchase, and I didn't want to make a mistake and buy something inadequate or something that was over what I needed, I asked Alan to help me decide what to get. The last bike I picked out was an $89 Walmart special in 2014, and it was more of an impulse buy which I quickly managed to fall off of and get hurt from because I’m awesome. It also had only one gear, so maybe not the best choice when you live in the PNW. Why did I choose it? It was purple. And pretty. And I just liked it. None of those were good ways to decide what bike to purchase, so with this new purchase, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just going to be in the same place in 6 months. That’s why I asked Alan to help me because he’s hella logical and will talk me out of falling in love with something just because I’ve sat on it.

Trikes online ranged from $350 to 9K for an electric one. That ruled out the electric one because I’m not spending more on a tricycle than I did on my first car. I cannot square that circle. Alan suggested not buying one without first sitting on one to see what I liked best, and that seemed like a really good idea so we set off to the land of bike shops - the Eastside of Seattle.

Guess what the bike stores don’t ever carry or keep in stock or, from the vibes I was getting, ever even want to look at? Trikes. Now, at the moment I found this annoying because it made me think about the accessibility that just being open to carrying ONE TRIKE could have allowed any number of people who walked in these shops. I’m not the only person who can’t control their balance, not even close. If we want “biking to be for all,” then shouldn’t we be thinking about how to help people have access who usually wouldn’t? I found that very frustrating.

When we couldn't find any place that had what we were looking for so I could try it in person before buying it, I felt really let down, so I started looking online at my options. Good lord, there are SO MANY CHOICES! I was immediately overwhelmed and got paralyzed, and in that moment decided that this was going to be too hard and I was probably gonna buy the wrong thing anyway and then I’d be mad at myself and maybe Alan would be mad at me (Non-meltdown note: He wouldn’t. He never EVER is. But that thought still comes.), so I just decided that I couldn’t have a trike and I wasn’t going to get one because this was all just too many ways to mess up.

As I was showing Alan the online options, he was asking me questions, and somehow between all the choices, the earlier disappointment, and his questions, my brain went into meltdown mode and I ended up crying and really mad at him for doing exactly the thing I'd asked him to do.

He was able to calm me down and get me back to a regulated state by talking with me, taking any judgment, anger, or shame out of the situation, and finally walking me back through our conversation when I was ready for it to help find where things went sideways for me and why. He calmly helped me pick out the best option for what I wanted off of Amazon and then I ordered it. Easy-peasy. His suggestion of going to look at the shops first was a great suggestion and a solid idea - my brain just got too much in it to handle and went boom.

Please remember, dysregulation isn't worthy of shame. It's worthy of extra support and care. My husband didn’t make me feel like crap for being in the middle of a meltdown that, to him, seemed to come from nowhere, or for being overwhelmed. He just talked with me until I could regain control and reregulate my system. That’s why what he did worked - because I felt safe enough with him to be able to be more aware of what was going on in my body right then. I didn’t have to worry about him thinking I was a crazy person or overly dramatic. I didn’t have to worry that he was going to hate me or bring this up later or use it against me. I could just talk it out once I got past my tears.

That's how you handle a meltdown with love.

PS: I ended up buying this trike from Slsy - it supports up to 350 lbs and has a basket on the back for groceries, MoonMoon, etc., and it came in sea green! I can’t wait for it to arrive and get put together!

ND Content Creators Worth Following

The online Neurodivergent community is nothing short of amazing. I stumbled on to some of these creators when I was just starting to figure some of my shit out, and I cannot thank them for their content enough. My favorites might not be yours, but these are folks who put out educated and accurate information (from what I’ve seen), who’s content connects with me and makes me feel less alone in what I’m dealing with, and who I tend to share and enjoy the most. I can’t tell you anything about these creators except for the body of work they’ve put out there, but I can tell you that their information is solid and relatable and within anyone’s comfort zone of laughing at themselves.

I aspire to help others the way these amazing people have helped me by being open and honest and authentic. They inspire me.

Here are some of my favorites and the links to their social media - Usually Facebook, but I also have watched the community grow on Tiktok and Instagram with fantastic success, and it’s just beautiful to watch. Most of these are video creators or content aggregators, but there are also folks who have written books, etc. on subjects like neurodivergence or trauma, or they give advice that I like a lot. Check them all out - These creative people who shared what they knew made my life better, and I hope they’ll help yours, too!

• Connor Dewolfe - OMG! Great videos, well-researched, very relatable content. His work is some of my favorite because he is on point with his facts and his communication. I love his content and he was my gateway into the online ND community. Plus, he’s a fantastic actor/writer!

• ADHD_Love - A lovely couple from Britain who are super relatable and talk about the reasons things are different between NTs and NDs, and also address the shame and embarrassment that can come with these disorders. She is a creative beauty - creating her own music and art; He is her absolute rock and support and created with her a bunch of cool things. One of those cool things? Their book, DIRTY LAUNDRY, is hands down one of the best ND reads out there. Best of all, this couple is ADORABLE and you can see how much they love each other!!!

• Neurodivergent Rebel -Lyric is their name and ND life is their game. They and their partner live fascinating lives and allow themselves to live as authentically as possible in the current world. They’ve also written a book, Workplace NeuroDiversity Rising, which is essential reading for people who work with or manage ND individuals.

• cPTSD and me - Content that helps educate and support the cPTSD community. These guys helped me come to a good place with my cPTSD online when I was diagnosed with it in 2016.

• Claire Bowman/ ADH-She - One of my newer discoveries, but seldom does a day go past when Claire isn’t on my feed a few times, usually because I’ve reposted her there. She is great at talking about the little things with ADHD that throw people and helping you accept that it’s okay your brain works in its own way. She is on a journey of her own self-growth, and I’m fascinated to watch that growth. This beautiful soul is uplifting and understands.

• Neurobeautiful - This is an amazing content creator to follow. She is uplifting, honest, and helped me understand so much about what ASD actually is - which is far from the portrayal it receives in the media. Her book, What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic, is a beautiful piece of work and can help so much in growing understanding and compassion.

• Coby Watts - Another aspiring musician, this Brit posts great information and short videos that help to normalize our weird idiosyncrasies. His commentary on how we are when we think no one is watching, or when we are alone is dead on and realistic and made me feel a LOT less weird while dancing around the house cleaning.

• Jeremy Andrew Davis - This guy’s videos on ASD and ND topics are AMAZING! Please check him out; he’s well-researched and well-presented, and talks about the casual ableism in the day-to-day world, as well as gives strategies for discussions, plus, he critiques the modern portrayals of ASD/ND in the media.

• Ilana Degann - Ilana isn’t specifically focused on neurodiversity, but her videos could have been shot in my own house, and in my own voice. She talks a lot about anxiety management, and reasons with herself on camera in a way that is incredibly healthy and replicable in your own life. Also, her music is pretty great!

• Hold the Abelism, Please - Fantastic source of advocacy, memes, solid information, and most importantly, resources to help people who are struggling.

• Neurodivergent Parenting: Think Outside the Box - ND Parenting group, but the memes used to remind parents that their kid is still a great kid hit notes with me as well.

• Autistic Inclusive Meets Community Group AIM - Another ND Page with information, memes, advocacy, etc., but mostly I LOVE their videos! They have no problem calling out the infantalistic ways that people with ND or other mental conditions can be treated, and why it’s absurd to act that way.

• Taylor Tomlinson - An incredibly funny comic who understands mental Illness and makes it relatable. Look for her bit on “Arm Floaties” if you’re having a problem accepting that you may need medication. I firmly believe that bit of hers has saved quite a few lives.

• Victoria Honeybourne -Author of The Neurodiverse Workplace, which is UK focused, much like Dirty Laundry, but is applicable for most things across the pond and should be essential reading for managers.