Lessons from This Weekend’s Meltdown
Yesterday, (Sunday) I decided to finally pull the trigger and buy a new bike, but not a bike because due to the TBI I no longer have the balance to be safe enough on just two wheels, so as weird as it might look, I’m getting an adult tricycle because I deserve to be able to have fun and be out in public, even if I am riding a tricycle. Because it was a semi-expensive purchase, and I didn't want to make a mistake and buy something inadequate or something that was over what I needed, I asked Alan to help me decide what to get. The last bike I picked out was an $89 Walmart special in 2014, and it was more of an impulse buy which I quickly managed to fall off of and get hurt from because I’m awesome. It also had only one gear, so maybe not the best choice when you live in the PNW. Why did I choose it? It was purple. And pretty. And I just liked it. None of those were good ways to decide what bike to purchase, so with this new purchase, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just going to be in the same place in 6 months. That’s why I asked Alan to help me because he’s hella logical and will talk me out of falling in love with something just because I’ve sat on it.
Trikes online ranged from $350 to 9K for an electric one. That ruled out the electric one because I’m not spending more on a tricycle than I did on my first car. I cannot square that circle. Alan suggested not buying one without first sitting on one to see what I liked best, and that seemed like a really good idea so we set off to the land of bike shops - the Eastside of Seattle.
Guess what the bike stores don’t ever carry or keep in stock or, from the vibes I was getting, ever even want to look at? Trikes. Now, at the moment I found this annoying because it made me think about the accessibility that just being open to carrying ONE TRIKE could have allowed any number of people who walked in these shops. I’m not the only person who can’t control their balance, not even close. If we want “biking to be for all,” then shouldn’t we be thinking about how to help people have access who usually wouldn’t? I found that very frustrating.
When we couldn't find any place that had what we were looking for so I could try it in person before buying it, I felt really let down, so I started looking online at my options. Good lord, there are SO MANY CHOICES! I was immediately overwhelmed and got paralyzed, and in that moment decided that this was going to be too hard and I was probably gonna buy the wrong thing anyway and then I’d be mad at myself and maybe Alan would be mad at me (Non-meltdown note: He wouldn’t. He never EVER is. But that thought still comes.), so I just decided that I couldn’t have a trike and I wasn’t going to get one because this was all just too many ways to mess up.
As I was showing Alan the online options, he was asking me questions, and somehow between all the choices, the earlier disappointment, and his questions, my brain went into meltdown mode and I ended up crying and really mad at him for doing exactly the thing I'd asked him to do.
He was able to calm me down and get me back to a regulated state by talking with me, taking any judgment, anger, or shame out of the situation, and finally walking me back through our conversation when I was ready for it to help find where things went sideways for me and why. He calmly helped me pick out the best option for what I wanted off of Amazon and then I ordered it. Easy-peasy. His suggestion of going to look at the shops first was a great suggestion and a solid idea - my brain just got too much in it to handle and went boom.
Please remember, dysregulation isn't worthy of shame. It's worthy of extra support and care. My husband didn’t make me feel like crap for being in the middle of a meltdown that, to him, seemed to come from nowhere, or for being overwhelmed. He just talked with me until I could regain control and reregulate my system. That’s why what he did worked - because I felt safe enough with him to be able to be more aware of what was going on in my body right then. I didn’t have to worry about him thinking I was a crazy person or overly dramatic. I didn’t have to worry that he was going to hate me or bring this up later or use it against me. I could just talk it out once I got past my tears.
That's how you handle a meltdown with love.
PS: I ended up buying this trike from Slsy - it supports up to 350 lbs and has a basket on the back for groceries, MoonMoon, etc., and it came in sea green! I can’t wait for it to arrive and get put together!